Thanksgiving and the "New Normal" 2.0: From Appreciation to Intentional Living
The Evolution of "Normal"
In my previous blog post, "Thanksgiving and the New Normal," I explored the concept of appreciating a "normal" day—a day where nothing exceptional happens, one we typically take for granted. This need for appreciation stems from the reality that eventually, a tragedy will affect you or someone you love, forcing you to accept and adapt to a "new normal." This adaptation process continues until the "new" normal simply becomes normal again.
Over the 10 years since writing that post, and particularly in the last six months, I've come to realize that we can move beyond simply appreciation or passive acceptance of our "normal" days. By being intentional in our thoughts, actions, and behaviors, we can transform "normal" into something fulfilling, enriching, and even joyful.
Every day.
No, really.
Rather than just existing or taking what normal offers, we can actively shape our daily experiences through the principles of positive psychology. We can create habits where each day becomes an opportunity for gratitude, meaning, and happiness—not just in spite of our circumstances, but because of how we choose to engage with them.
Take a moment to reflect on your "normal" day. What aspects do you typically take for granted? How might you view these differently?
The New Normal: A Catalyst for Change
My journey towards this more intentional approach to life was driven by a significant transition: becoming an empty nester.
When my son left for college in August, joining my daughter, I found myself in a new phase of life. Like many in this situation, I was left with more questions than answers. I now had an abundance of free time and very little responsibility for how I was going to spend it.
This shift led to a surprising and somewhat unsettling question: "What do I even like to do?" It's a deceptively simple question, but one that carries enormous implications. The last time I truly knew the answer was when I was 36. Now, at 57, I realize that my interests, needs, and even my life itself have evolved significantly over those 21 years of parenting.
I had poured the vast majority of my time, effort, energy, and emotional currency into raising two kids with the hope of them being happy, healthy, and safe for the rest of their lives. I wanted them to be good, kind, and hardworking people who always look to support and give back to others before thinking of themselves. This was a phenomenally rewarding adventure, but now that I had my OWN time back and could do whatever I wanted, I honestly didn't even know what that might be. I was reminded of the Twilight Zone episode, "Time Enough at Last," where Burgess Meredith's character simply wants time to read his beloved books... until he is given exactly that in a very disconcerting way.
Faced with this realization, I knew that I would have to not only think about what I might want to do for fun but also what I wanted to learn or do with my time to benefit others. I figured that reconnecting with friends would be a good starting point. After all, friends would not only make spending time more enjoyable, but they might also introduce me to new interests and ideas relevant to this stage of my life.
If you're facing a life transition, ask yourself: "What do I truly enjoy doing?" Make a list of activities you loved in the past and new ones you'd like to try.
Connections: The Power of Intentional Friendship
As I embarked on this new chapter, I realized that reconnecting with friends would require deliberate effort. The years of raising kids had led to many friendships becoming distant as we all focused on our families. It's surprising how people come and go in your life, and friendships you once thought would be indispensable can dry up and disappear.
I began a thoughtful process of reflection, considering various types of friends who had been significant in my life:
1. Older friends I wanted to emulate as I age: My former principal and mentor, and my exercise and fitness guru—someone who represents everything I want to be when I "grow up"
2. Former colleagues I loved talking to or who challenged me intellectually whenever we discussed teaching and learning
3. Two former best friends—one from college over 30 years ago and another from our first years as administrators almost 25 years ago—who I could trust with and for anything
In all, I identified 11 people who I felt were important to reconnect with. I reached out to each of them, explaining my situation and intentions. I told them I was working to be more intentional with my friendships and communication. I expressed my desire to see how we would fit back together as I navigated this new journey, and how I could contribute to theirs as well.
This approach was markedly different from casual catch-ups or social media interactions. It was a deliberate attempt to rebuild meaningful connections and create a support network that aligned with my current values and aspirations. If we were going to talk, it would be in person. If we were going to spend that time, it would be to build towards something meaningful and intentional for both of us.
To my pleasant surprise, the response was overwhelmingly positive. Despite not speaking with many of them for years, there was enthusiasm in their replies. A couple even said they were "all in," eagerly setting up initial lunches and dinners to reconnect.
Identify 5-10 people you'd like to reconnect with. Write a brief message explaining your intentions and why you value their friendship.
The Two Types of Friends
As my social calendar filled up, I made an important realization about the nature of friendships. I discovered that there are essentially two kinds of friends:
1. Those you enjoy seeing and eating with, chatting and laughing together
2. Those with whom you have a far more intimate and trusting relationship—friends you can tell anything about what you're thinking or feeling, who will listen without judgment, offer thoughts, or simply support you
It's this second category of friends that you need to cultivate and grow with if you want ongoing happiness and gratitude to be a part of your life. These relationships nurture our emotional well-being, provide a sense of belonging, and offer a safe space for personal growth and self-reflection. They challenge us to be our best selves while accepting us as we are, creating a foundation of trust and mutual support that enhances our overall quality of life.
While a busy social life can be fun and superficially pleasant, I found that it's not as fulfilling in the long term as those deeper connections. With this insight, I decided to concentrate more on nurturing relationships in that second category, while still maintaining the more casual social connections.
This process of intentionally reconnecting and reevaluating friendships became an unexpected but vital part of my journey toward more purposeful living. It taught me the importance of actively cultivating meaningful relationships and how these connections can enrich our daily experiences, providing both support and new perspectives as we navigate life's changes.
Reflect on your current friendships. Which category do they fall into? How can you nurture more of the second type of friendships?
A Framework for Intentional Living
As I navigated this journey of rediscovering and redefining my "normal," and researching happiness, I stumbled upon the field of positive psychology, particularly Martin Seligman's PERMA model. What struck me was how closely my intuitive approach to reshaping my life aligned with these established principles of well-being.
The PERMA model, developed by Dr. Seligman at the University of Pennsylvania, emphasizes five key elements that contribute to a flourishing life:
- Positive Emotions
- Engagement
- Relationships
- Meaning
- Accomplishments
Interestingly, before I encountered positive psychology, I had already developed a daily journaling practice that unknowingly incorporated many of its key elements. This practice wasn't created from academic knowledge, necessarily, but from a genuine desire to be more intentional with my time and energy. I wanted to break free from passive habits like mindless TV watching or other less productive time-sinks that often filled my days.
To make this practice more interesting and ensure I stayed accountable to my daily goals, I created an AI script that functions as a personal interviewer,
The prompt can be used with various AI chatbots like ChatGPT, Claude or Gemini (I prefer Claude).
Here's how it works:
- The AI script acts as an interviewer, asking me pointed questions about how I lived up to and accomplished the elements of my day that I've decided to be intentional about.
- It prompts me to provide a screenshot of my workout, adding a visual element to track my physical activity.
- Using the information gathered from this interview process, the AI then generates a daily journal entry for me.
- I don't simply accept this AI-generated entry as is. Instead, I edit and expand upon it, adding my own reflections and insights. This additional step of metacognition deepens the impact of the journaling process.
- Finally, I enter this final entry into my journal, creating a daily record of my intentional practice.
This AI-assisted journaling method has revolutionized my approach and combines the consistency and structure provided by technology with the irreplaceable human elements of reflection and personal insight. The result is a powerful tool for accountability, self-reflection, and continuous personal growth.
Let me share how my prompts align with the PERMA model and why they're powerful aspects of an intentional life:
Positive Emotions and Physical Well-being
In my daily reflections, I ask myself about my exercise routine: "How did I feel before, during, and after?" "What skills or tricks did I use to get through the difficult parts?" These questions encourage me to recognize and track the impact that physical activity has on my mental state. While exercise isn't directly related to positive psychology, its effects on mood and outlook are so significant that it's become a cornerstone of my intentional living practice.
The relationship between exercise and mental well-being is rooted in brain chemistry. When we exercise, our brains release a cocktail of neurochemicals:
- Endorphins: These natural painkillers also trigger positive feelings, often described as a "runner's high."
- Serotonin: This mood-regulating neurotransmitter helps stave off depression and anxiety.
- Dopamine: Known as the "reward chemical," dopamine increases feelings of pleasure and motivation.
- Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor (BDNF): This protein supports brain plasticity, potentially improving memory and learning.
Regular exercise has been shown to reduce stress, improve sleep quality, boost self-esteem, and increase energy levels - all of which contribute significantly to your mood and outlook.
But let's be real: sometimes, despite knowing all these benefits, it's really hard to get started. On days when I struggle with motivation, I turn to advice from Jocko Willink, a retired Navy SEAL officer and motivational speaker. In his powerful video, Willink offers a no-nonsense approach to pushing through those low-motivation days:
- Go through the motions: Even when you don't feel like it, start your workout anyway.
- Avoid procrastination: Don't give in to the temptation of "resting now and doing it later."
- Postpone rest: Tell yourself you can rest tomorrow, not today - chances are, you won't need to when tomorrow comes.
- Recognize weakness: Understand that the desire to skip your workout is often just weakness trying to take the easy way out.
- Stay disciplined: By pushing through and doing your workout, you're overcoming that weakness and staying on the path of discipline.
This advice resonates with me because it cuts through excuses and emphasizes action. On days when I'm tempted to skip my workout, I remind myself of Willink's words. I focus on simply starting, going through the motions, and more often than not, I find that once I begin, my energy and motivation return.
By incorporating exercise into my daily routine, reflecting on its effects, and using Willink's strategy to overcome resistance, I'm actively cultivating a more positive emotional state. This aligns perfectly with the 'P' in PERMA, even if it wasn't originally conceptualized as part of positive psychology.
Start a daily exercise journal. Note how you feel before, during, and after exercise. Look for patterns in your mood and energy levels.
Engagement
My journaling includes questions about personal growth and learning: "What am I reading or learning about? How am I applying these concepts to my daily life?" This focus on engagement aligns perfectly with the 'E' in PERMA. When we're deeply engrossed in learning or applying new skills, we often experience what psychologists call "flow" - a state of full immersion that contributes significantly to our well-being.
Trying new things, like frisbee golf, announcing my school's volleyball and basketball games or learning about the science behind Buddhism allowed me to experience this "flow" that comes from learning and engaging in novel activities. These moments of full immersion in an activity, where time seems to fly by, are key to the concept of engagement in positive psychology.
Choose a new skill or topic that you are excited to learn about or do this month. Set aside time each day to engage with it, even if it's just for 15 minutes.
Relationships
I reflect daily on my social interactions, both face-to-face and digital. Questions like "Have you participated in any social activities that supported your goals today?" and "Did you give or serve someone today?" emphasize the importance of positive relationships and acts of kindness. Positive psychology research consistently shows that strong social connections and acts of kindness are among the strongest predictors of life satisfaction and well-being.
This finding isn't just anecdotal; it's backed by scientific research. For instance, a landmark study by Diener and Seligman found that the most common characteristics shared by the happiest 10% of their sample were their strong ties to friends and family and the time they spent socializing. These individuals were highly social and had stronger romantic and other social relationships than less happy individuals.
The impact of social connections on our well-being appears universal. A comprehensive review of 148 studies by Holt-Lunstad et al. found that individuals with stronger social relationships had a 50% increased likelihood of survival compared to those with weaker social relationships. This effect was consistent across age, sex, initial health status, cause of death, and follow-up period, suggesting that social relationships have a powerful impact on health and longevity across all demographics.
But it's not just about having relationships; the quality and nature of these relationships matter too. Positive interactions, characterized by mutual support, understanding, and shared positive experiences, have been shown to buffer against stress and contribute to overall life satisfaction. In contrast, negative or conflictual relationships can be a source of stress and diminish well-being.
Acts of kindness, both within and outside of our close relationships, also play a crucial role in our well-being. Research by Lyubomirsky and colleagues has shown that performing acts of kindness boosts happiness and life satisfaction. Interestingly, their research suggests that varying the types of kind acts and concentrating them in a single day can have a more significant impact on well-being than spreading them out over a week.
The mechanism behind this boost in well-being isn't just about making others feel good. When we perform acts of kindness, our brains release oxytocin, often called the "love hormone," which helps in lowering blood pressure and improving our overall heart-health. Kindness also stimulates the production of serotonin, which helps regulate our mood and promote feelings of well-being and happiness.
Kindness creates a positive feedback loop. When we're kind to others, they're more likely to be kind in return, not just to us but to others as well. This ripple effect of kindness can create a more positive social environment, which in turn supports our own well-being.
Actively reconnecting with old friends and nurturing those relationships became a central focus of my new normal. The PERMA model emphasizes the crucial role that positive relationships play in our overall well-being, and I found this to be profoundly true in my own experience. Whether it was rekindling old friendships, deepening existing ones, or forming new connections, each interaction seemed to add a layer of richness to my life.
I discovered that these connections didn't just make me feel good in the moment; they provided a sense of belonging, support, and shared purpose that permeated all aspects of my life. Even on challenging days, knowing that I had a network of strong, positive relationships to fall back on gave me a sense of resilience and optimism.
In our increasingly digital world, it's crucial to remember the irreplaceable value of genuine human connections and acts of kindness. While social media and digital communication can help us stay connected, it's the depth and quality of our relationships, along with our willingness to extend kindness to others, that truly nourish our well-being and contribute to a life well-lived.
Commit to one act of kindness each day this week. Pay attention to how it affects both you and the recipient.
Meaning
My journaling prompt "Any standout realizations or insights?" encourages reflection on the deeper meaning of daily experiences. Additionally, questions about giving and serving others tap into a sense of purpose larger than oneself. This aligns with positive psychology's emphasis on finding meaning as a key component of well-being.
This transition prompted me to reflect on what truly matters to me at this stage of life. By reaching out to friends who represented different aspects of who I want to be - mentors, intellectual peers, trusted confidants - I was actively seeking to align my daily life with my values and aspirations.
At the end of each day this week, write down one thing that gave your day meaning or purpose.
Accomplishments
I ask myself about progress towards goals in various life domains: "How am I progressing towards my goals (e.g., health, professional, personal)?" This focus on accomplishments, both big and small, is crucial for building self-efficacy and a sense of competence, which positive psychology identifies as essential for well-being.
Setting goals for myself, such as rebuilding friendships or trying new activities, gave me a sense of purpose and achievement during this transition. Each successful reconnection, each new experience, felt like a small but significant accomplishment in building my new normal.
Set one small, achievable goal for tomorrow. At the end of the day, reflect on how accomplishing it made you feel.
Beyond PERMA: Other Elements for Well-being
- Gratitude "What am I grateful for and why?" Cultivating gratitude has been shown to significantly increase happiness and life satisfaction.
- Anticipation and Planning "What challenges or opportunities am I expecting? How do I plan to approach them?" This forward-looking reflection helps build resilience and optimism, both key focuses in positive psychology research.
- Self-reflection: Questions about my performance at work and others' perceptions encourage self-awareness and continuous personal growth.
- Mindfulness: By encouraging reflection on feelings and experiences throughout the day, this practice promotes mindfulness, which has been linked to numerous well-being benefits in positive psychology research.
Start a gratitude journal. Each day, write down three things you're grateful for and why.
Moving Forward with Intention
The normal days will always be there, but they don't have to be ordinary. By adopting the principles of positive psychology, we can transform our lives into something richer, more joyful, and deeply fulfilling. Every day becomes an opportunity—not just to survive but to thrive.
This doesn't mean we should forget the lessons from appreciating "normal" days. The unpredictability of life and the potential for tragedy are still realities we must acknowledge. However, by actively shaping our daily experiences through the lens of positive psychology, we build resilience and create a well of positive experiences to draw from when challenges do arise.
As we approach another Thanksgiving, I invite you to reflect on how you can move beyond merely appreciating your "normal" days to actively shaping them. How can you incorporate more elements of PERMA into your daily routine? What small changes can you make to turn ordinary moments into opportunities for growth, connection, and fulfillment?
Remember, it's not about striving for perfection or constant happiness. It's about making conscious choices, day by day, that lead to a more meaningful life. By doing so, we create a "new normal" that's not just appreciated but truly lived – with intention, purpose, and deep fulfillment.
Key Takeaways:
- Normal days can be transformed into extraordinary ones through intentional living.
- Major life transitions, like becoming an empty nester, can be catalysts for positive change.
- Cultivating meaningful friendships is crucial for ongoing happiness and well-being.
- The PERMA model (Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, Accomplishments) provides a framework for intentional living.
- Regular reflection and journaling can help incorporate positive psychology principles into daily life.
- Small, daily actions towards well-being can lead to significant improvements in overall life satisfaction.
- Intentional living is not about perfection, but about making conscious choices that lead to a more fulfilling life.
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